PETA Finally Discovers Games…fuck.

...you know, except for that new steakhouse I just opened.

...you know, except for that new steakhouse I just opened.

PETA has never been my favorite group of people. While I do believe that animals should be treated humanely, I draw the line at picketing KFC. I like chicken and for fucks sake, they’re chickens.

But now PETA has decided that killing more animals per year than anyone else, promoting celebrity spokespeople that seem unclear on what their shilling for and harassing rich women in heirloom fur coats is not enough. Clearly, the real threat…is video games. Yes PETA, video games are killing the defenseless animals. They’re also responsible for any child born after 1980 being a degenerate and every mass shooting in the last two decades. All right, I know that sounded snippy, but come on. Let’s look at the how they’re “utilizing this medium to promote their cause.”

Yes. Seriously.

Yes. Seriously.

Back in November of last year, conveniently in time for Thanksgiving, PETA introduced this gem in all its copyright infringement glory; taking players through the “horror” and “graphic-ness” of gutting, cleaning and generally preparing a turkey. In the end, win or lose, the player is treated to a video montage of the cruelty inflicted on commercially raised turkey. I’m not sure who this was aimed at? Is PETA trying to scar kids early in the hopes that their trauma will lead to a vegan lifestyle instead of a phobia of turkeys? Are they aiming for the hard to capture demographic of “Microwaving-kittens-is-fun-but-Dad-said-he-kill-me-if-I-did-it-again”? All this really did, as far as I can tell, is prove that PETA has no regard for brand name property and also doesn’t understand the type of people that play Cooking Mama. On a side note: Cooking Mama also has PLENTY of vegetarian dishes so it seems even more ridiculous. It’d be different if Cooking Mama was hooking electrodes up to cow testicles as a way of tenderizing…but she wasn’t. Side note of side note: I’d totally play that game.

Kill that seal! It's rare and drops epics!

Kill that seal! It's rare and drops epics!

Every year, thousands of baby seals are mercilessly crushed to death by heartless Canadians…according to PETA. In fact, seals are a plague and if only they looked like cicadas instead of fluffy balls of sad puppy eyes, no one would care. But they don’t, so we do. In order to combat this atrocity PETA set up a WoW account and was going to have Horde players killing baby seals. The idea was to get people to “stop” them and thus bring attention to their cause. On a single server. Sadly, PETA again failed to understand their audience and instead of “Stop Clubbing Baby Seals” the event degenerated into flame wars and fights. After all, why the HORDE? Wouldn’t the Alliance be just as likely to kill cute and cuddly creatures? Why is the Horde always the villain? Taurens are a very earth-friendly race and not evil at all and blah, blah, blah…you get the point.

Oh my GOD! Nazi dog...run!

Oh my GOD! Nazi dog...run!

Even history isn’t safe from PETA. This was recently reinforced by their disdain for the way dogs were portrayed in Call of Duty:World at War. Apparently, gunning down rabbid dogs who had been trained specifically to kill people is wrong. Nevermind that it endangers human life;  humans are far less important that the poor, snarling puppies. Never mind that it actually happened. PETA is going 1984 on this shit. If we act like it never happened….it never happened. Wait, is PETA holocaust deniers too? Anyway, in order to show CoD:WoW devs how to properly care for animals, they were all sent a complimentary copy of Nintendogs…that they promptly gave to their daughters and went back to making zombie nazis.

Oh, the humanity!!

Oh, the humanity!!

PETA and the circus have never gotten along. But I think it says something about the state of a game when I don’t even know of its existence until PETA starts to protest it. Such is the case with Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus: The Game. Yes. Seriously. And because the circus, by law, abuses any animal in its possession (particularly those uppity elephants. Who do those bitches think they are; all painting and counting and having a complex society?) the GAME is under attack by PETA. They aren’t even trying with this one. They aren’t angry about the game, but the fact that a gaming company would dare to go into business with something as innately evil as a circus. Really, PETA? Really?

And I’m sure there’s more. While only mildly game related, there is the recent debacle over Google using goats to cut their grass. Apparently feeding animals and saving the environment AT THE SAME TIME just isn’t good enough for some people.

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Oh, that crazy Stalin!

In reality, Stalin was a brutal man that slaughtered his own people. Nearly indiscriminately, save for the hoops in his mind that the populace had to jump through in order to remain among the living. But that Stalin is boring. So Mezmer games, along with BWF, Dreamlore and N-Game bring you a much happier (and over the top) version of history. Stalin vs. Martians!

Marketing the game as a real-time strategy for “actual people”, Stalin vs. Martians (by the way, the surreality of typing that doesn’t get any less surreal with repetition) is both masterfully trashy and absolutely over-the-top. Fun and accessible, it takes a simple arcade-like approach to the genre of real-time strategy. According to the official website:

— No city-building and technology trees. You can buy reinforcements and offmap special abilities. But no “build the barracks > buy the troops > upgrade the town hall”. The only resources you can find on the map are power-ups. They look like they should: like shiny rotating coins with bright colors.

Power-ups are left after the enemy unit dies. You can collect them. There are five types of coins:
– Money. You can buy reinforcements if you have sufficient funds.
– Armor upgrade. Armor upgrade!
– Attack power improvement. You can kill the bastards more easily.
– Speed up. Your units will move faster. Upgraded infantry can even run with a speed of a tank. Or a member of Kenya Olympic team.
– Meds. The pills make you feel better, even if you are, err, a howitzer. Heals your HP.

— So here’s the picture. Dead martians leave power-ups. Our unit can collect it and either bring us some money to buy reinforcements, or ugrade its stats. You can upgrade your guys several times, so it’s possible to make you tank run 150% faster. There is a limit for upgrades, for the games balance sake, but even 150% turns everything into a complete pandemonium. That’s fun.

As we already mentioned somewhere on this website, you can buy not only the new units, but offmap abilities. Like traditional air raids. And superabilities. You can’t even imagine them. Trust us – they will impress you.

Most of the units can use extra skills. The usually have only one, but you don’t need more. We try to keep everything simple. If you want to play a wargame, there’s plenty of them in the market.

One more thing. The martians leave spots on the map, plagued by the extraterrestial slimelike substance. That goo improves the enemy units’ stats the way power-ups improve ours. We need to clean the land out of this shit.

This means the learning curve for Stalin vs. Martians should be on par with most plebeian genres. Unlike other RTS’ses that force the player to have minor in Advanced Economics and Warfare in order to properly enjoy the experience.

We're being invaded by Toy Story squeaky toys...

We're being invaded by Toy Story squeaky toys...

...and Pikmin! Oh the humanity!

...and Pikmin! Oh the humanity!

And for those of you getting up in arms about turning a mad man from history into a world-saving hero, the creators’ have some words for you as well:

-We can talk for hours about Stalin and all the controversies that surround him. We’re Russians and we possibly know the subject better than you. But all this talk doesn’t make any sense, you know, at all. Accept Stalin vs. Martians as a montypythonesque humor or get out.

Basically, the game is meant to be a tongue-in-cheek, B movie grade fun fest. Not to be taken seriously. I mean, the intense “plot” as it stands is, “Year 1942. Summer. The martians suddenly land somewhere in Siberia and attack the glorious people of Holy Mother Russia. It is a hard time for USSR as you might know from the history books if you ever attended school. The situation is really fucked up, so comrade Stalin takes the anti-ET military operation under his personal control. The operation is a top secret and virtually nobody knows about the fact of extraterrestial intervention.”

Besides, if you do well and play your cards right, you get to play as mecha Stalin. And who doesn’t want that?

Stalin mad. Stalin SMASH!

Stalin mad. Stalin SMASH!

Both the website and the press release were vague on whether or not the game will be for sale at local retailers (it can’t hurt to ask if for no other reason than to watch the saleperson’s face contort). But as of April 29th, you will be able to download it from Steam, Direct2Drive, GamersGate, and Impulse.

For a preview of what you’re getting yourself into, check out the official gameplay video; complete with Russian techno music!

Currently, Stalin vs. Martians is RP by the ERSB. I presume because they are mesmerized by the concept of such a heresy actually making it to “Gold” status.


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WTF Product:Company To End Nintendo Blowjobs

Thanks to 1up.com for this awesome picture.

Thanks to 1up.com for this awesome picture.

Hey, remember how to fix any non-working NES? Barring the Wii and the Gamecube anyway. So any cartridge based NES. Yeah, you blow in it. Now, IGN has a hilarious blog entry about the “types” of blowers out there, and you can find numerous debates about whether getting human spit on the contact points is the equivalent of dropping your game in acid, but the point is…IT WORKS. And it’s free.

But no more! Save yourself the embarrassment of inevitable “blowjob” jokes by purchasing this handy new third party product. (Because third party products are not subject to randomly destroying your system or anything)

There are no words.

There are no words.

It’s the world’s first automated cleaner (assuming you don’t have a functional mouth). It boasts the following impressive features:

The new BLAZE battery powered cleaner ensures that your console and games stay in perfect condition using its unique automated, mechanized action . This 2 part automated device works on both the DS Lite, where it can clean both the DS and GBA game slots as well as game cards, and the DSi where it can clean your game slot and also game cards. How it works is easy; simply plug the device into the appropriate slot, press the “on” button and allow the static free microfibers to clean the internal connectors, thus ensuring years of trouble free gaming. This device is perfect for anyone who likes to take care of their game consoles and game library and ensure their items stay in tip top condition.

Hey kids, don’t forget to pre-order now. This baby isn’t available until May but by then all the cool kids will have snatched them up. Since wasting batteries is totally rad, or something.

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Five Games That Take The Road Less Traveled

Having procured a DSi last night, I felt the need to purchase a new title to go with my system. There were many a fine title (and at least twice as much crap) but in the end I chose “Little Red Riding Hood: Zombie BBQ”.

How could I not? The title alone was awesome and I may get off my lazy ass to do a full review once I finish BBQ-ing all the zombies. But in the meantime, the game got me thinking. What else out there in video game land had an offbeat title and oddball plot?

Good God, there’s a ton! Let’s see…we’ll do five arbitrarily. Annnd, go!

Little Red Riding Hood: Zombie BBQ (DS)

Click here for official site.The premise here is that the world of fairy tales has been overrun by zombies and only you, an extremely busty anime Little Red, can save the world. Using a machine gun and flamethrower no less. Watch out Zombies, she’s got white hair! White hair equals badassness.

WTF: Work Time Fun( PSP)

What the Fuck?

What the Fuck?

Oh those crazy Japanese. They give us the coolest, most random stuff. The premise here, other than giving you another reason to say WTF to your friends and family, is to give you a collection of bizarre mini-games. You use these mini games to make money to buy more mini-games. And thus the circle of life continues. How crazy are the mini-games? Here’s a screenshot that should clear it up a bit.

Srsly, wtf WTF?

Srsly, wtf WTF?

Seaman (Sega Dreamcast)

Watch out for Swallows.

Watch out for Swallows.

Every time I write that, I giggle on the inside like I’m not the mother of two kids. Seaman, Seaman, Seaman. Okay I think I got it out of my system. The premise of this hilarious game on the doomed Dreamcast console was to raise a Seaman (snort), or fish with a human face, to adulthood. Basically, a glorified Tamagatchi pet. And it featured the voice of Leonard Nemoy. What more could you ask for?

Katamari Damacy (PS2)

Run cow! Save yourself.

Run, junior! Save yourself.

I’m still convinced that this game is merely an extended acid trip. Between the crazy Japanese pop music, the overly colorful enviorment and bloody Burger King King as your dad, this game might have wormed its way into the mainstream, but the idea of rolling up giant balls of objects (up to and including whole planets and systems) is  an out there concept in my book.

Custer’s Revenge (Atari 2600)

And I thought Seaman was bad...

And I thought Seaman was bad...

Ah, the good old days of gaming. When the ESRB was just a twinkle in a young Jack Thompson’s eye and quality control was a dirty word. Only at that time could this game be made. The concept is, obviously, Custer getting revenge on those gosh darn Indians (though how he’s doing this is a mystery? Zombie Custer? Ewww, that makes this next part even MORE wrong and I didn’t think that was possible.). He’s going to do this by…running naked across a field of falling arrows to rape a naked Native American woman tied to a cactus. Sadly, I did not make that up. Don’t believe me? I wouldn’t either, so here’s video evidence.

Okay, that’s enough for one day. Seriously I need eyebleach now. Or at least something soothing to look at…

Ahhhhhh, I feel much better. You?

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