Another Twilight Rant

So, I know everyone and their mother has an opinion on Twilight and all it’s marketing glory. But I’m throwing in my two cents, because this is the internet and I can. So nyah.

Maybe I’ve been living under a rock since 2005. Or maybe my daughter is too young to care about sparklepyres and Mommy would rather her vampires novels have more smut in them. So it wasn’t until Stephanie Meyer threw her enormous hissy fit about Midnight Sun getting leaked or whatever that I’d even heard of these things. And to this day I wish I’d been more willing to let it slide. To not click the link. To not delve into the black pit of Twilight. But I didn’t so I did.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “God save me from your followers?” Yes? Well, this line with minor tweaks could apply to the legions of teenage girls and, surprisingly their moms, that see Edward Cullen as the second coming. I may have read these books. I have no problem with candy for the brain. None at all. A generically written, one dimensional plot has gotten me through many an airplane trip. But you can’t say that to Twilighters. To them, it’s the equivalent of saying Shakespeare was a hack that stole his work from better writers. (Which is also up for debate, but I digress). They slather on you with the spew of fanatic encyclopedic knowledge and abuse exclamation point use to the point that the grammar nazi in me curls into the fetal position and dies. Almost had to become an anti-Twilighter merely to survive in the sea of fangirl foam.

Then, through these posts and blogs and wiki’s, a small theme started to emerge. Meyer’s vampires don’t drink human blood. Fine, I can handle that. After all, Louie from Interview With A Vampire tried that for a while. A nice way to show the struggle between the monster and the man. Then, Meyer’s vampires can go out in the daylight. And SPARKLE. Okay, wait. I can justify this. Give me a second. Oh, wait. You say the oldest Cullen is only a few hundred years old? *Spazzes and dies.* The only vampire I know of that could walk in the sun unaffected was Dracula and this is because he’s older than dirt. And then, the vampires don’t have fangs? Wait, what? Damn, evolution hates these vampires. And then, they’re cold and have no pulse. Plausible…in fact even fairly normal in vampire lore. But they can still produce sperm and babies…biology for the lose. A revolutionary theory occurs to me: Meyer’s sparklpyres aren’t even vampires but those evil Elves dragging  the good vampire name through the mud. Shame on them.

I won’t even go into the Mary Sue-ness of Bella or whatnot because I enjoy a good Mary Sue. Hell, I read the Anita Blake novels. But I’m not going to tout them as a pardigm of modern literature. They’re a fun read that makes my husband happy because he gets continuously laid for a few days after I read one. There’s another reason Twilight grates on me. The entire lack of sex. But Donna, you say, they’re YA literature. Sex would be inappropriate. Ah, but it was the publisher and not Meyer that stuck them there. So instead of a sexy romp, you get four books of cock-teasing and angst.

According to the almighty internets, there is also a theme of relationship abuse, female subservience and a sad lack of Bella having a life outside of “OMG he loves me!”. No outside friends, no hobbies, no nothing. I can’t say if that’s true or not, but my brain seizes every time I try to read these books again. So I won’t go into the argument of whether Bella is a bad role model for tween girls.

I will leave you with a final thought. If you were going to live forever and look seventeen, would you A) repeat high school until the end of time or 2) make the logical leap to saying you’re eighteen to avoid said hell that is high school and get a job at the local bookstore? Poor Edward, he’s in hell for eternity because his brain couldn’t make that logic leap. Actually, it probably could but then he wouldn’t have met Bella so the author had to neuter that thought along with most everything that makes a vampire a vampire.

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